Saturday, December 23, 2017

Santa's Opus or "A Trump of Weasels"

2017 was one tough year for the overweight fellow. With with type 2 Diabetes, a recently developed Short bread allergy  and a legion of non-believing  4 year old's, it looked like a grim year Christmas indeed.

 Political landscape aside, he, and the North Pole's Claus Enterprises Inc factories were struggling since the inauguration of the President in his largest market.
The assembly line working triple overtime to create new Paw Patrol characters were cursing Netflix for the  venue that allowed 4 year old munchkins to eat all their  happy meals  watching the 30th episode for the 59th time.
Fingerlings were being hawked at a scalpers ransom by bidding sites on Facebook, making Santa and his elves look like Grinches for holding out until Dec 25th to deliver the fad. Why should kids have to wait for the big day when right there, in bold blue, was the auction for each and every Fucking Fingerling character at 3 times retail! And then there was the dreaded Apple! Apple did not help his public relations by releasing iPhone 10 before the fat man had a chance to load a sack full for the demanding millennials.

The problems were deeper than supply and demand this year for Kris Kringle. He, the red suited man himself,  had decided to partner with Tesla. By placing an order for Driver less Electronic Sled and a fleet of drones to compete with Amazon Prime for faster delivery, he felt he could gain a once wonderful reputation. But Tesla had issues. They welcomed the order and the marketing opportunity. yet here it was, Dec 23rd and no EV driver-less sled delivery was anywhere in site. Besides the issue of not nearly enough charging stations around the globe to service his electric vehicle, he faced the wrath of FOX news declaring Santa a Libtard snowflake who thinks the earth is melting (and is not flat).

The aviation authorities had put the kibosh on Drones in most countries except America. The US agreed to allow the drones if and only if they were loaded with self defensive guns, but the rest of the world saw issues with idea.
So the reindeer were woken from slumber and the Red Bull drips were activated to ensure wide awake herds. Logistics could and would be worked out, yet Mr Claus could not get his Jolly back on for this year.

Santa cross referenced his excel spread sheet list from all the Malls with his letters that arrived to the H0H 0H0 postal code. He frowned and started to overwork his puzzler.

"Why are banks asking so much this year?" he questioned.
"Record profits, earning out of this stratosphere. Bonuses up the ying yang to management. Stock dividends to come that will put bitcoins to shame! Why do they ask for more?"

"Why are the rich demanding so much for Christmas?"  came question number two from his bearded lips.
" Tax break for those who earn hundred of thousands. Business given a huge relief so they can buy back their stock and pay themselves huge bonuses and dividends, and they want the poor to give up their medicaid so they can have more!"
So many questions on this years list.

"Why" Thought the old St Nick " did Loblaws fix the price on bread so the people overpaid?"
He quickly scratched Mr Weston request that his customers "eat more cake" of his list.

Santa questioned the "me, me, me" egocentric requests. Better phones for selfies so I can take pictures of my hot self. Faster download speeds so I can see my "likes" in milliseconds.Luxury SUV Prego strollers, Lamborghini 10 speeds, no flood ice rinks for backyards, 5,000 sq foot homes, dinners out all the time but if in please deliver a kit, and the brand names, the names, oh the names!!!!

Still, he was happy on some fronts. His elves were getting a few more bitcoins thanks to the minimum wage being raised. But the spread between the have's and the have not's was a gulf the size of Trumps ego!

"Trickle down my fat red arse!" said Santa.
"...and all this fighting, fighting oh the noise, noise, noise!"

He got and idea, an awful idea. The fat red dressed man got a wonderful awful idea

"I'll swoop into Dumpville and offer them all
a chance to see Trumps heart  10 sizes too small.
I'll fix up the issue with sexist rude pigs,
and offer the whole Trump of weasels new gigs.
They will work in the factory up here at the pole
it will prove that the north is not such a hole.
We will give them low tax rates as an incentive to come
Oh sure half of the senate will be quite glum.
Mara-go-go north  we will call to ensure they will buy it
to trick a Trump of Weasels will be such a riot.
We might have to change my suit from bright red
To keep old O'range Ego from ending up dead.
Rudolph will lead the old " air force one'
in the hopes that poverty soon will be done"