Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Roar In My Head.

The buzz and hum that dogs my inner auditory nerves, is at times unnerving. Rumble and roar from tinnitus is so much a part of my life, that at times acceptance is the only way to deal with it.
It drowns out conversation at times, and that is not what I need.
I need some quiet up there to hear the conversation that I so miss and crave.

I had a wonderful Sunday, except for the noise that crept up all day. Louder and louder it progressed until all I could hear was the automotive assembly plant that lives in my head.

The day started great: A run in the early morning was as splendid as it gets. Not the run itself, as I hate the act but the love the results; the endorphins and the high that I get around 10 minutes after completion.

I went to a great BBQ that my friend had for her daughter and family. It was special to be invited and meet any and all of her family and friends.
As the day wore on, the gears and motors of tinnitus increased until it became an embarrassment of:
"sorry"
"pardon"
"again"
"did you say...?

The guests were patient and kind and understanding as I expected, but man does it make for a difficult time trying to fit in to the conversation. I miss so much as I struggle with the comprehension. I take guesses as to the subject like always, but today I was off the mark all day.

One discussion about American Idol was the only one I guessed right at, but sadly could offer no insight into the show, as music and TV are so foreign to me in my cochlear challenged world. So the lovely day and wonderful people that were part of my afternoon got my attention visually,
I read lips, watched eyes, studied faces, just as I did in my deaf days.

I took breaks and retreated into the quiet kitchen to see if I could simmer the sound down, but it just amplified when I concentrated on quiet conversation.
It is a nuisance indeed.

I'm not going to give it any energy. I am home enjoying the memory of a lovely Sunday in my new world.
My new chapter.
My new friend.
And the joy that all that brings me.

Warmest,

David


20 comments:

Laura ~Peach~ said...

as will all challenges and junk tossed your way you havdle it with grace and candor...You amaze me David :) Happy Sunday and HUGS to you

BR said...

Can't the doctors adjust the settings on your implants to help reduce the tinnitus?

jojo said...

So glad you had a nice Sunday David. Take a little down time to re-coup before heading back to work tomorrow. Sometimes I have to step back and let all the noise in my head peacefully exit so I may have some quiet in my life. It takes all kinds...peace my friend.

kcinnova said...

In my mind, I liken tinnitus to the roar of the ocean. When I first get to the ocean, it is at full roar but I can ignore it/accept it and I concentrate on the beauty around me. After about an hour, if the wind is blowing steadily shoreward, the roar becomes increasingly difficult to tune out and I feel a need to retreat from the noise.
I wasn't always this way, but as I've grown older, constant noise gets on my nerves and I need to take breaks.

I'm glad you enjoyed the BBQ, noise and all! Don't be embarrassed about asking people to repeat themselves. I would rather be in conversation with you and repeat myself than miss out on the opportunity.

PS: You aren't the only one who doesn't watch American Idol!

Kay Dennison said...

Sounds good!!!! I'm glad you're out and about!

Robyn said...

I believe tinnitus is worse when you're tired. Coffee also makes it worse, as does tea.

Since my 3rd CI operation on 30 March, I've had roaring tinnitus which I cannot quieten in any way until I get switched on in about 39.5 hours. (but who is counting?)

However, Insead of the usual clangs and noise, this time I've had non stop music. Percussion in my dead, non implantable ear, and full orcehstra in the other, trumpets, strings, voices. I have absolutely no control over this. I cannot change the tune, pitch, or rhythm. Mostly I don't even know the music or where it comes from, occasionally I'll have lucy in the sky with diamonds for 6 hours non stop.

Roll on switch on :)

Cheers
Robyn

Nature Girl said...

Having never experienced it, I have nothing to compare that to to be able to understand the tinnitus but I have another blogfriend who talks of it once in awhile and I can't really imagine! I'm glad you don't let it rule your world though..so many of us, myself included, let things like that get us down. I am slowly taking from your queue to let things go more often..
Stacie

Mary Ellen said...

Your ability to roll with whatever comes is an inspiration. It definitely keeps me from whining over the little stuff.

Becca said...

crap!

Karen Deborah said...

been there have that, I understand. And people wonder why our nerves get rattled?

ronnie said...

I empathize completely. I never had tinnitus until I went deaf, but after that it was constant - the only difference was "quieter" or "louder". Or "SO LOUD I CAN'T STAND IT".

After I was activated I found that the real input from the CI side mostly distracted me from the tinnitus input from the still-deaf side. But it's still there, and sometimes quite bad.

Do you get air brakes? One of my recurring tinnitus sounds is the "sss-SH-ssuss..." of tractor-trailer airbrakes. But mostly it's just a cacophony of noise.

I'm fascinated by the different descriptions of tinnitus sounds in the comments here. Mostly, I'm in awe of Robyn, who copes with 6-hour renditions of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

I also empathize with the efforts to socialize. It's by far the hardest thing, no? The important thing is that you're still working at it, and still trying.

The glory of humanity is that they'll keep trying, too.

Colin said...

Hi Dave,
Well what a parallel. Switched on almost the same days last year, same cause if deafness, three implants later its going well, but I’m somewhat cautious as we somehow have dropped off 6 electrodes since Switch-On 10 days ago. Any we have to play with the cards we are dealt. No use doing otherwise...apparently.

Wonder if you have got your Microlink FM for your implant yet. I’m sure you will find it marvellous with the Smartlink SX when in a restaurant. I still just have the Mylink /Smartlink SX at the moment but have been told today that I will be getting Microlink Freedom’s in the next week or so. They are also supplying a unit that interfaces between our analogue phone and becomes a FM transmitter, transmitting directly to the Microlink Freedom’s when a call comes in. I then just use any phone around the house for the mic on the phone and caller ID to get my brain thinking about the right person. Well that’s as simple as they advise. Can’t help thinking the may have missed another 365 days for my brain.

Sorry about the tinnitus a jet engine, real close and a full on heavy industry metal factory and some days we get all knotted when we can’t seem to get this ‘hearing’ business together, least I do anyway.

Do let me know when you get your Mickolink/Smartlink up and running. It will make an evening in a restaurant for you, much closer to a real hearing experience you have had before.

Good luck for better listening in the real world.
Cheers
Colin

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