I don't get here much. Which is a shame. I miss it.
It's a shame because I love it here, writing, reading, sharing, laughing, and running the gambit of emotions with the other writers in the blogosphere.
Life got busy for a moment or two, and while I enjoyed the change in the parade, I missed doing some of the things that kept me grounded during stronger winds.
Writing was one of those things.
What sticks out as a time consumer is being a Dad.
I have of course been a Dad for 15 years. And for a great deal of time in the last five of those years, I have been the primary "go to parent" in Janet's long illness.
A fifteen month hiatus as that principal was a result of my medical 9/11 and my subsequent deafness.
I did find myself thrust back into the role of "Chief cook and bottle washer" of the house after my recovery, and Janet's fall back into the darkness of leukemia.
Now that I am without Janet, I find it a little unnerving at times as I search for the right answers in the care taking and parental advice needed with a now 15 year old boy.
Some things Mom just always knew the answer to, or the right thing to do.
I enjoy figuring these things out I suspect, but find myself at times looking up towards the clouds and asking for a little help. I'm not the first nor am I the only single Dad on the planet. So I take comfort in the fact that it can and will be done.
There will not always be the right answer or the right thing to say or do, so I give myself some latitude and the odd "mulligan" on issues that stump me.
It keeps me busy.
As life is ever changing, so are my answers to questions. There really is no right answer to many of life's questions, because what may have been the right answer or action 10 years ago, may have little relevance today.
So I try to lead by example and give Dan some room to discover and grow on his own, offering guidance and assistance when asked or needed.
I will never attempt to duplicate his Mom's efforts and actions, as they were hers. I think he knows that and respects that.
Janet and I had 2 very different styles of parenting, as I suspect many couples with children do. I think my style as the Dad worked for the most part, but miss her wisdom in answers that only Mom's seem to have.
Dan was never shy about talking about people in his life with his Mom, and I have to admit a little jealousy on my part over the years. His openness about people in his life was a subject of many late night chat between the two of them, and something I thought would come to us with time.
Perhaps it will.
If not, I am there with open mind and cochlear challenged hearing.
So I forge ahead with the day to day duties of laundry, shopping, dinner, dishes, homework check. And still find time to put in a 9 or 10 hour day at the office. Like most parental "stuff", there are little rewards seen at the end of long days. But we don't do life for the rewards really, do we?
We help them to live, to love, and to learn, and then we hope that the legacy we leave them will show itself one day. Perhaps as we watch them as parents struggling with the same questions, and coming up with the same answers that we instilled in them.
Certainly as life moves at the speed of life, we think that we do not spend the time or give the wisdom we should. But then we watch an action or hear a word or two one day, that comes from the heart. An action that could only have been learned from this environment. Bred in the bone if you will.
I see many of Janet's traits in Dan, and that makes me happy. There was never a more "common sense" Mother to be seen like her. No nonsense, careful, diligent, and forever making sure that the right thing was done for the right time. But always with love and kindness.
Dan has that to be sure. But he also has my ridiculous sense of humour, and my love of life.
He will do fine. I just need to accept that and chill a bit I guess I need to spend time on me. It has been years since I did anything for me, and I miss that. This writing was my one token "me" time, and I miss it when I break for too long.
I think as life changes, and Dan moves along into a fine young man; I just might do some things I always wanted to do.
No idea what that will be, but I am sure I will find my pocket of interest in something or someone along the road.
The journey is great, and enjoyable. I just have to live in the "now" and not worry about 4 or 8 or 12 years down the road. All we know for sure is that it will be different. Always. And life will have curve balls, fast balls, and the odd one to hit out of the park.
I just want to enjoy all the pitches it has to offer every day.
Or just sit in the grass and enjoy the changes at the "ball park".